I Have No Idea How Bitcoin Works But I Need It

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About a decade ago, cryptocurrency was introduced to the world. There are all sorts of stories today about people who got in early on Bitcoin but had no idea what it would become. People who, for example, used bitcoin to pay for pizza or sushi, only to realize later that they had effectively spent $250,000 worth of Bitcoin in today’s currency for a whole pie or some California rolls. I feel bad for these people, because they had the right idea before everyone else, and they squandered their precious crypto-bucks on temporary satisfactions.

Then there are the real geniuses, or, as I adoringly call them, the Cryptogeniuses. These are the people who got in early on Bitcoin a decade ago and held onto it for dear life. They bought a bunch of Bitcoins for like a dollar apiece and then watched as it skyrocketed to north of $20,000 per Bitcoin. These people are now multi-millionaires and they went from eating pizza in their parents’ basement to continuing to eat pizza in their parents’ basement, where they now resort full-time to doing whatever it is that cryptocurrency nerds do, laughing at the rest of us peons who have to work a 9-5 job every day from outside the depths of our parents’ basements.

I got into the crypto game a few years ago. I got involved because I had major FOMO that everyone was getting rich off of it except for me. As time has gone on, I have slowly put more and more money into Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies.

Let me be crystal clear about something. I have no idea how any of this works. People have explained Bitcoin to me dozens of times, I have read articles and watched videos about it, and none of it makes sense to me. There is something about a ledger, something about some anonymous Japanese guy named Satoshi, something about disruption of currency, and something about people who literally mine new Bitcoins by doing something weird on their computer I will never understand. None of it makes sense to me but I know I need to have as much of it as possible.

Every now and then, there is a new type of Bitcoin available. Most recently there is something called XRP. I have no idea what XRP is, but it trades for less than a dollar per unit, so naturally I needed to buy a lot of those too, just in case it’s the next Bitcoin. It’s also cool to say I own a lot of XRPs (whatever they are). Just as one would hate to be the man who almost struck gold, I imagine it would suck even worse to be the person who forgot to buy XRP when it was trading at fifty cents, when in ten years it trades at $10,000.

My journey as a Cryptogenius would not be complete unless I told everyone that I am a cryptogenius. In this way, I’m really no different than someone else who loves CrossFit or “Breaking Bad,”; you’re not really a fan of any of these things unless you have an undying need to let everyone know how awesome you are by your interest in these things. I am not quite far enough along in my crypto-journey to add “Cryptogenius” to my Twitter bio or LinkedIn profile like some of the trailblazers before me, but soon enough I am sure I will have the requisite level of smugness to tell the world of my foresight and my various riches in assets that make absolutely no sense to me.

If you think Cryptogeniuses sound annoying and smug, please first at least stop and ask yourself if they are any more annoying than Cryptohaters. These are people who themselves know absolutely nothing about Bitcoin and its associated friends but have the utmost conviction that it is worthless and a waste of time. I imagine they develop their perspectives out of their own fears of missing out, feeling a sense of joy in bringing down others who took the initiative to make a smart investment. They often have nothing productive to say about why Bitcoin is a scam (because they, too, do not understand what it is), but insist on making sure that you feel stupid for getting rich off of it. Hey haters, my wallet disagrees with you. Maybe learn a thing or two about Bitcoin before you trash the rest of us. Read a book.

My interest in Bitcoin has spiked with the recent developments around UFOs and aliens as well. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a big alien guy. I have believed in alien visitation and UFOs for many years. Call me crazy, but I don’t seem so crazy any more, what with the preponderance of evidence being brought forward by our very own government, and the dozens of very credible people who are acknowledging not only the existence of aliens, but our collaboration with them and even our reverse-engineering of their technology.

What do aliens have to do with Bitcoin? Well, you tell me. You think it’s just a big coincidence that global currency is being revolutionized right around the very same time when the government is getting comfortable with the disclosure of intelligent alien life? I think not! Sounds to me like you’re going to need some digital assets if you want to get beamed up and get the fuck off planet Earth. There would be nothing more satisfying to me than handing over one of my Bitcoins to the aliens as I walk aboard in my fur coat, waving at all the Cryptohaters below me who now have to argue with each other for the rest of their lives over who is more racist. Traveling the galaxy together, handing out XRPs to the neediest parts of the galaxy, learning the meaning of life, and more. I can only imagine that the series finale of 2020 ends this way: me exchanging my Bitcoin in exchange for an interplanetary journey where once and for all I learn the meaning of “Covfefe.”

To my fellow Bit-friends, stay the course. Don’t let the haters dissuade you. Even if you have no idea what you are investing in, we are going to the moon. Or quite possibly the stars.


  1. Jeff: The FOMO reference sounds like me! I just learned my Fidelity account is now taking positions in BTC and ETH….PS I go way back with NextCaller ( Whitepages) and I worked with Ian and Gianni when NC was in the data cleaning business. PS great move pivoting out of that space! What app do you use to buy Crypto/XRP?


    1. I use Coinbase but I move everything to Ledger because it’s more secure. That said, I didn’t know Fidelity was doing that. I’ll have to look into that!


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