My Super Bowl Takeaways

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The Super Bowl came and went and it fully delivered in almost every single way. Now that most peoples’ bad takes are out of the way, it’s time for me to weigh in on pretty much everything that happened surrounding the Super Bowl. Let’s do this in no particular order.

 

The Halftime Show

 

Personally, I don’t really ever care about the halftime show at the Super Bowl. This is probably a combination of a) being a big sports fan and therefore being very focused on the game, and b) that I don’t really care much for pop culture. I realize that for many people it is the reverse or that they care about both. That’s totally fine. I just want to make sure we are clear on that before we go any further.

 

Now that that’s out of the way, can someone tell me what happened to the days where you couldn’t just be entertained by entertainment without injecting some wimpy, politically and/or racially motivated response to absolutely anything?

 

On one hand, there was outrage that the show was too sexy and not family-friendly. Meanwhile, Adam Levine was prancing around shirtless last year and no one cared?

 

On the other hand, the show was too sexy and it objectified women. But, the show also empowered women. Specifically, women of color/Latina women. Which is it? Am I supposed to feel disgusted? Am I supposed to be happy? And then the same people who felt empowered by it were the same people who would say that shaking your butt and groping your crotch for all to see on national tv is objectifying women. I am so lost on the intellectual inconsistency of it all.

 

And if you felt that the show degraded women, how did you condone the presence of  Tyreek Hill – a domestic abuser who threatened to murder his fiancée – who made critical plays to help the Chiefs win the game?

 

Then Ana Navarro for no reason whatsoever decided to tweet that if you still thought Latinos were invaders after watching the halftime show that you should go to hell. Huh? Who said I was thinking that? I was thinking about the buffalo chicken dip I was eating. Moreover, the whole point of not being a racist is, you know, not really noticing or considering race. I didn’t watch the show and think to myself, “Welp, this halftime show is all about the Latin folks.” It was “This halftime show is about two women who are later in their careers and still kicking butt.” But who am I to say anything as a SWM?

 

Apparently, there was anger about the performers speaking Spanish and showing the Puerto Rican flag. But then it turned out that that was mostly people anticipating that people would be angry about those things when in reality no one really seemed to mention it.

 

What happened to just shutting  up, watching the TV, and not having a stupid, wimpy, far-fetched opinion other than being entertained?

 

All I learned from this year’s halftime show was that I am hesitant to share my opinion on pretty much anything because you cannot please everyone.

 

Donald Trump

 

After the game, Donald Trump congratulated the state of Kansas on their victory in the Super Bowl. Of course, this sent people into a tizzy.

 

I personally am not a Trump guy. But the difference between me and – seemingly, a lot of people – is that I do not have a de facto policy to assume anything he says is wrong and offensive. To be sure, he says lots of dumb things and lies on what seems to be a daily basis. This, however, barely registered on my dumb-meter.

 

I watched as Twitter people went nuts yelling into the void that is Donald Trump’s mentions. “You idiot! Kansas City is in Missouri!” and so on and so forth. Trump eventually edited the tweet.

 

Yes, it is true that the Kansas City Chiefs play in Missouri. Technically that is true. Kansas City, Missouri also borders Kansas City, Kansas. Most people who are from Kansas are Chiefs fans. Trust me on this one. The only reason I accrued this useless knowledge is because my former company made me go not once – but twice – to Overland Park, Kansas, a wealthy suburb of Kansas City, where I quite literally spoke to local people about this very phenomenon. So I feel pretty good about being right on this. I also googled it and corroborated that yes, I am indeed correct about my geography and the preferred football team of people who hail from Kansas. Don’t forget that the Rams used to play in Saint Louis and had a big following, so it is not as if the entire state of Missouri has been pulling for the Chiefs.

 

So with that being said, congratulating the state of Kansas was technically the correct thing to do. What was worth criticism – in my opinion, at least – was the omission of Missouri in the congratulations. Yes, it’s probably true that Trump didn’t realize that despite having the word “Kansas” in it, Kansas City is predominantly thought of as a large, Missourian (sp?) city. That doesn’t take away from the very real fact that 90% of people who criticized Trump for being ignorant were themselves ignorant of the realities of where Kansas City is as well, that there is actually a Kansas City, Kansas right next door, and that Kansas residents celebrate the Chiefs.

 

The joke is on everyone who cared about this.

 

Commercials

 

One of the downfalls of being a Patriots fan is that you end up going to the Super Bowl every year and you miss out on the commercials. It was nice to take a season off and to be able to enjoy them for once.

 

Of course, the most anticipated commercial was about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Brady had trolled all of New England with a still image from the 30 second spot. For days, Massholes like me wondered “Is he walking TOWARDS the stadium or AWAY from the stadium?”

 

People outside of New England who hate greatness of course defaulted to the notion that Brady is an attention-seeker. Somehow, they have not learned by now that he is the best at his craft and that he is great at getting himself leverage for what he wants. Putting the media and fanbase into a mental pretzel put more pressure on Patriots ownership to try to bring him back.

 
It’s neither here nor there. It was a big win for Hulu. We confirmed Brady will be back next year. The only outstanding question is whether my boyfriend will be in a Patriots uniform or not. Fingers crossed.

 

Funniest commercial was definitely the Post Malone one for Bud Light Seltzer. It made me regret picking up a dozen White Claws before the game. Unfortunately there is no return policy on those. But I am definitely going to buy the Bud Light version moving forward. They deserve to recoup some of their massive investment in that commercial, and I am happy to chip in $30 to their GoFundMe.

 

Also, the Google Loretta commercial was a real tear-jerker for everybody. I cry randomly at commercials and movies but for some reason I was unmoved by this one. It was weird. I saw a tweet saying that the saddest part was that Google sold Loretta’s data to advertisers. Maybe subconsciously that’s why I didn’t budge. Sorry Google.

 

Lastly, Verizon had a weird, passive-aggressive commercial about first responders where they insisted that Verizon is not heroic, they just provide the technology that allows heroes to be heroic. Um, alright Verizon. Pick a side. It would be as if Andy Reid said that he was not the MVP of the game, he is just the guy who told all the players what to do, developed the winning game-plan, and made it possible for everyone to execute. Not surprised to see the soulless people at Verizon using actually good people to act as if they – a corporate media giant – are themselves just as good.

 

 

The Game

 

I guess if there is one more perk about being a Patriots fan, it is that you get to root for your team in the Super Bowl about 50% of the time. However, with great power comes great responsibility. Watching Super Bowls when your team is participating is stressful. Watching Super Bowls when your team is not in them is not stressful.

 

It was nice to have my heart at a resting pace during the game. I was rooting for the San Francisco 49ers, and my rationale was poor. I don’t like Patrick Mahomes’s girlfriend. I find her annoying. I don’t like how she came into Foxboro during the regular season, drunkenly taunted people, and then made herself out to be a victim while suggesting that Boston fans are rude. Yes, like any other fanbase, Boston fans are rude when you are rude to them. She went on to make a bunch of annoying tweets. She just seems annoying.

 

Look, I admitted it’s a dumb reason. But I was still surprised that almost everyone (including NFL pundits) seemed to think this would be a cakewalk for the Chiefs. They are certainly the sexier team with the more explosive offense, whereas the 49ers were built on a great ground game and defense. I thought that that defense and ground game would hold up.

 

For three quarters, it went exactly as I expected. I had predicted 24-17 49ers in a low-scoring affair. It was 20-10 with the 49ers out ahead with about a quarter to go. What the Chiefs did from there was nothing short of remarkable.

 

You need to tip your hat to Pat Mahomes, Andy Reid, the Chiefs defense, Damien Williams, and so on. Really the entire team stepped up. And they showed that they were the best team this year. Of course it pains me to admit that as a Patriots fan, but the good news is that the only impression I have ever been really good at is Kermit the Frog, and Kermit the Frog sounds just like Patrick Mahomes. So this is all timely and is doing wonders for me in social settings.

 

MVP

 

My heart goes out to anyone who bet on Damien Williams to win the MVP Award, because he was robbed. I bet on Julian Edelman last year at something like 10:1 odds and I won $1,000. It was cool. The Patriots won. I won. The Jets weren’t there. It was a perfect storm.

 

Damien Williams did damage every time he touched the ball. He was setting up the Chiefs for short third downs and making life easier on everyone. LeSean McCoy was benched for this game, so Williams got most of the work. He rushed for over 100 yards, had 4 receptions for 29 yards, scored two touchdowns (including the one that sealed the win), and unlike Mahomes, he did not throw for two interceptions.

 

I am not trying to be a Mahomes hater. He seems like a really great guy and a likeable superstar. Remember, it’s just his girlfriend that irritates me. But why is it that the NFL just gives the MVP to the quarterback of the winning team? The only reason that didn’t happen last year with Brady is because Brady did pretty much nothing and every ball he threw was caught by Julian Edelman, who had double digit receptions.

 

It seems like the default option is to give it to the QB. And I get why that makes sense. The QB is the leader. And to be sure, Mahomes had a pretty good game and he really stepped up when it counted. But that felt like such a pandering move to try to bolster the resume of one of the league’s young superstars and ignored what I felt was the superior effort by his teammate, Damien Williams.

 

Damien Williams, wherever you are, sulking in sadness with your Lombardi Trophy, just know that Jeff Kirchick doesn’t overlook you.

 

Orange Gatorade

 

This was a surprise. Pundits were predicting that the Gatorade would be purple to honor Kobe Bryant. In fact, the local Sportsbook took the line down before the game because they were so nervous about it. I did not see orange coming, but I was happy when I saw the orange because I was pretty angry that I could not bet on purple, and I felt grateful afterwards that I ended up not losing another bet. I did bet on and win the coin flip.

 

Kobe Bryant

 

I have to conclude my observations with one last memorial to Kobe Bryant. I thought what the teams did before the game, having a moment of silence on the respective 24 yard lines, was very thoughtful and cool. Something like that had never been done before. It is crazy to believe that Kobe Bryant is no longer on this earth, and it was nice of the NFL to honor him on the greatest stage in sports.

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