The Importance of Shared Experience

Over the last couple of decades as the world has become more and more digital, we continue to hear more about the importance of face-to-face meetings. All this in the wake of the advent of social media and various digital platforms where people across the globe can readily communicate without ever actually reading the body language of those with whom they are conversing. This feeling was heightened over the last few years with the COVID pandemic as people opted for Zoom calls in a work-from-home environment much more so than going into an office or meeting their clients on-site.

As a result of all this, you will often hear people lament about the changing digital environment. For example, young women are committing suicide at alarming rates. The prevailing theory is that they are constantly being spoon-fed images of other women that are using filters, and therefore being given a false sense of what it means to be beautiful, or that they are otherwise comparing themselves to others constantly and feeling like they are falling short. Of course, few people question that the political division in the country has only skyrocketed in recent years, and there are various documentaries which shed light on how media and social media companies stand to profit by causing division amongst the majority of people. 

I think the reason this is all so dangerous is because of how much human beings truly value shared experience. Our number one emotional need is acceptance, and one of the easiest ways to gain acceptance is to identify with other people who have gone through a similar experience as ourselves. When we find and associate with these people, we feel like we are part of a group.

For example, I often reach out to fellow Princeton alumni to ask for a favor. Sometimes they are potential prospects in my sales job, or sometimes they might know someone I want to connect with for a specific reason. Nine times out of ten, these absolute strangers will offer me a helping hand. And I always do the same. Every now and then, a Princeton student or alumnus will contact me to ask for something, and I aways volunteer to do whatever I can to pay it forward and be helpful. 

Now, in a vacuum, is there anything special about me or anyone else who went to the same alma mater? Absolutely not. I’m not inherently better than someone who went to a different school, nor are the people who reach out to me for help or guidance. But there is still an emotional part of us that feels that we ought to prioritize such individuals because of our shared experience. And by participating in this game where we ask for help or help others who went to our alma mater, we feel like we are part of something bigger than ourselves – a tribe, perhaps.

This is unfortunately quite true for our political dialogue these days as well. On both sides of the political spectrum, you will often find people who will gravitate towards ideas that are much more radical than they truly believe, simply because they feel they ought to in order to stay associated with their political “tribe.” This is a bit of a compounding problem because as people continuously double down on ideas that are hypocritical, they lose even more trust from those with opposing views, as they are deemed to be intellectually dishonest. This gives others all the more conviction to remain affiliated with their own political tribe irrespective of whatever ills they may cause society.

Despite the issues that arise through shared experience, we are ultimately all better off for valuing them. When others go through a similar experience, we begin to see them as more like us. We trust them more because they have a similar perspective on the world based on a certain experience that we share.

For example, I wrestled in college, and to this day still have many great relationships with other guys who wrestled in the same program across a wide range of years. I was not very good, but the fact remains that I had the same experience trying to do the same thing for the same coach and the same team. All of us have witnessed the turnaround of the program and have a certain type of respect for what it means to help usher something along from the ground up. This makes us more committed to one another, but it also allows us to empathize with others who had similar experiences. As an addendum to that, one of my sales prospects wrestled for another D1 program, and we often talk about college wrestling in our conversations, which has helped us to build a friendship. These shared appreciations and understandings can go a long way in the professional world. 

It may sound trite, but the simplest way to even have shareable experiences and to encounter people who you can add to your “tribe” is to get out there and risk failure in some way. I was a failure in wrestling, but merely attempting to be good at it opened up many doors for me both socially and professionally. I remember almost a decade ago that I went to Israel for a trip with other young Jewish people living in the United States and built some friendships that have lasted to this day. Even that experience alone helped me to build rapport with Israelis when I meet them, on top of the friendships I built over the shared experience we had together. From being a mentor in the Big Brother Big Sister program, I always have no problem getting along with someone if I found out that they, too, mentor for the program.

All of this requires a bit of risk-taking. You need to be willing to put yourself out there, but more importantly, you need to have no agenda. Do things for the sake of doing them and whatever ancillary benefit comes will come on its own. If you do something merely for the sake of building your network – like getting an MBA, for example – a lot of times, people can see right through that, and your intentionality will ironically get in the way of the desired outcome. If you authentically navigate the world with curiosity and a generous spirit, I have found that good things will follow.